I love you. I know I fucked up more than ever, or so I think, last night. I know that I put you through a lot. And, you're right, you didn't do anything to me. I wanted you to be there, yes, I did. I needed you to be there, in fact, but I guess I'll have to learn to get over that.
I'm not giving up on us... I just, I won't. Because, well, I know that we're so perfect when we're good to eachother. I don't know why we put eachother through this. I know I'm sick, and I know I need help, and yes, I do take it seriously, my therapy, I do. And, honestly, I am trying really hard to get better. Because, I will be with you before I die.
I'm so sad. I don't know why really, just everything I guess. People ask me to elaborate on that, but I can't. Just, everything makes me sad. I'm sitting here, it's 2:08AM, and I just... I can't believe how horrible I am to you. You really don't deserve it, you really don't. Plus, I won't ever do it again, because I realize how horrible it was.
I know I had a lot of mood swings tonight, saying I wish I never met you, regretted meeting you, saying you don't love me. But I do know you love me, and I know you always will, with all my heart. I wish that I could explain more but I can't. I'm bawling now, because I miss you so much but I know you just want to sleep so I'll leave you be.
It's not that I depend on you, really, well, I don't consider it depending on you, I just need you. Like when you needed me, and cried on the phone, and I acted like I didn't care, and laughed. I killed myself when I did that, though. I did. I think you want nothing to do with me, but I want everything to do with you. We are so perfect for eachother, and you said that you would never give up on us, but you did. I miss you, oh god, I miss you, you don't even know. I don't know if you missed me as much as I miss you right now, but oh god I can't even breathe and I can hardly see, so this will probably be edited later.
I can't stop thinking about when we met. I'm tracing over every step we took together, every second you held my hand, every second you held me. I want to be with you forever, with no one else around, but I know you don't want that, you want your friends, Abby, Sam, Alison, etc, I respect that, I don't blame you either. I get sick of myself, you're not the only one, trust me.
I can't get over how safe I felt with your arms around me, how comfortable I was, and I hate people touching me, and you know that. I just, I love you so fucking much that there is no way to explain. No way to even begin to explain, you mean so fucking much to me. Oh god, so fucking much.
Right now, I just want to fly down there and just hold you while you sleep, and leave before you wake up so that you don't kill me. And while you're at school, I'd go back to Port Orleans and sit where we sad and feed the duckies and pull the beaks of the ugly birds that were still somehow beautiful, probably because you were there.
I know, I'm lame, corny and just plain out stupid and dumb. I'm sorry, you used to love it though. You used to be corny with me, I loved it, it may not have seemed like I did, but oh god I did. I loved everything about you, except the fact that you weren't comfortable with yourself, you cut yourself and stuff, but that didn't make me love you any less. I remember... holding your hand on the bus, taking the picture, my arm being all scarred but I didn't care because it was just.. your hand... in mine... and it was so fucking great. It was so god damned great. You. Are. So. God. Damned. Great.
I want to write a book about how great you are. I do, I want to write a story, a novel, about two girls, young, 14, in love and met on the internet, palace to be exact, and they talked for 2 years before they met and oh my god, then I would turn it into a movie. And you know what? It would be the best god damned movie out there, and of course it would be a X rated movie because of the sex scenes. I would even have the rubbing of mhm k, in MGM recreated. Of course, none of that would ever be as good as the real thing.
Oh.. I never thought that I would be one to be in love. But I always knew that you were the one. The most perfect beautiful person ever. Please, never believe me if I ever call you ugly or fat. Because you aren't at all, and its the biggest lie I ever told, besides if i said I hated you or wanted you to die or didn't love you, those are probably bigger. Oh, i don't even know. I hope that you read this letter. I might call you and leave it in your voicemail, but I'm scared you're not asleep yet and you'll just get more mad at me. I want you to get sleep tonight, I wish I could call your school and cancel tomorrow for you so that you could sleep all day. Or go out with your friends if you wanted to.
I want to run away with you, I'm not scared anymore. I wouldn't even care if you shoved the most fattening food down my face, because I would still love you just the same, and I know that it would make you happy to see me eat. Oh, fuck, I wouldn't care if my dad missed me, or my dog, bird, brother, mom (yeah right). I just, I just want to be with you, lay in the middle of a feild and hold your hand, and stare at the beautiful sky and cry becuause I would be so god damned happy. You don't even know, oh god.
You know, I really will do anything for you. I really will, after tonight, after all you put up with me, you really deserve anything that you want. If you want me dead, then fine, I'm dead. If you want me out of your life, then I'm out of your life. If you wanted to go out with me, then I'd go out with you, but I know thats the last thing you want right now, or I think so anyway.
I'm thinking about going down there, Florida, in the summer. Alone if I can, if not, with my dad. And I thought maybe we could stay in apopka if there are like motels or hotels or something, and then you could get a ride from someone over there and spend the night and tell your mom/dad you were at Sams or something, but that would only be if you wanted to. Oh, that would be the best, you don't even know.
Or, maybe you could convince your mom to let me stay with you for awhile. A day....... a week? Hah, yeah, I wish. Thats why I wish I could re-do everything with your mom. I feel so bad for making her hate me because I made everything 10x harder with us. Not that there is an us... I just, in my frame of thought right now, I would hope there would be an us if I went down there.
I want to make up for everything I have ever done wrong, so I'm only going to try to do things right from now on. I refuse to have a bad day with you. We are going to only have our good days from now on. With occasional fights because thats normal, people fight. Friends fight, girlfriends fight, boyfriends fight, we fight. I don't think according to you we fall into any of those categories, except the people one, maybe. *sighs*
I want to write to you all night... I think I'm going to. Because I have a lot to say, and I never know how to say it, so maybe now is the time to get it all out.
Remeber how I used to lie a lot, well I really don't know why. I guess I wanted to be another person, I hated myself that much. I still do want to be a different person. I want to be a better person, though. A happy person, so that you can be proud of me for once, because then maybe I'll be doing something right.
I wish that I always did everything right, maybe then I'd still be your everything. God, it killed me so fucking much when you said I wasn't anymore. It killed me so fucking bad. I think that's what made me crack, and cling to you more. I think I felt... feel, so unwanted and just broken that I'm desperate for you to just... love me, and tell me I'm you're everything.
I never thought it was possible to be in love at fourteen, or twelve, or thirteen, but god damn, you proved me wrong each time. And it amazed me, really. It really did because I never thought that anyone would ever love me. And remember when you said that no one will ever love me as much as you do... I hope that's still true, because that meant a lot to me. Not as much as when you said I meant everything to you... *sighs*, but holy shit it meant so much. I just, I wish i could explain but i can' tbecause it's just SO UNEXPLAINABLE. It's amazing, it is.
You, you're amazing. Your voice makes me smile even when I'm bawling as hard as possible. Your voice can also make me cringe, but that's okay because I know I deserve it. I'm such a horrible bitch to you. I'm self centered, but I wish you knew that I don't only care about myself because that's not it at all. It really isn't. Tonight, well, tonight I don't know what went wrong with me. I just, I broke down completely, and I just, I didn't even know. I just, I don't remember some of the things I said, like I blacked out. I was thinking one thing and saying the other. From suicide to leaving your life to loving you and missing you and wanting to spend forever with you and adopt kids, I don't even know what I said anymore. Oh... I wish I was okay.
But, more importantly, I wish that you were okay, because you mean more to me than anything. I would rather be fucked up for the rest of my god damned life and see you happy, than you never being happy. And, if I have to get out of your life for you to be happy, fine. It's fine, really. I know... I stress you out so much. Because, I just, I'm so used to you just being there whenever I need you to be, but now you're social, you have friends and hang out with them, not that you didn't before, but before, you used to ignore them and talk to me and I felt all super duper awesome-like. But now I just feel like nothing, but that's okay because I know you feel like I'm suffocating you. And I'll stop, because killing you is the last thing I need to do.
Tonight, when I heard you cry, I just, I wanted to hold you, and rock with you, and just sing There Is to you, repeatedly all night until you were better, but then I got scared that you would yell at me, but I would deserve that too... I deserve a lot of the stuff you say/do to me, so it's okay, in the end it's okay.
You mean everything to me, and I wish there was a way to prove that. So, if you think of one, please, just PLEASE tell me, please. *sighs* Because I would go to the end of the world to prove it to you. I would do anything, because after all you are my everything. You always will be. And I want to shoot myself for thinking that being thin was more important than you. Because I've realized that you will love me no matter what I look like, or thats what I hope, anyway. I hope so bad, because if that's not the case... yeah.
I'm trying really hard to make things better, for me, for you, for us.. or a future us... or whatever. I know we're perfect for eachother. Every heart beat tells me so, every tear I cry, every scar that was because of a mistake I made, every gift you sent me, every memory, every breath I take. It's all for you... my life, I want to devote myself to you. But I'm scared you would just call me a psycho or something...
I'm crazy, yes, for you. I'm crazy for you. Here I come with my lameness again. *sighs* You used to think it was cute, but, now I'm just not sure. I just don't know anymore...
I love you. That's how I'm going to end this letter, I've been writing for almost an hour now, it's 3:01.
I love you so fucking much. I love you more. I real you more. I heart you more. I heartfelt you more. I <3 you more. I E> you more. I <4-1 you more. I just. More. MOREMOREMORE. I'd kiss your cheek but you might get mad. I love you. I hope you're sleeping okay.. and not having a nightmare. Goodnight, or good morning, have a nice day. I love you SO FUCKING MUCH...
Love ALWAYS and FOREVER