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[29 Mar 2005|09:03pm]
You'd think that I'd get sick of being so fucking depressed all of the time.
BUT it's easier that way.

Fuck life.
I seriously give up and want to die.

I hate my parents.
Even my dad.
I jsut hate them
And i ahte ervyone.
so just go die.

im an angsty bitch
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[28 Mar 2005|07:53pm]

I'm debating my sexuality...
bi.. straight.
i dont know.


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[27 Mar 2005|06:59pm]
"You start out white. It starts out this dot, this little micro dot in the center of your heart. With every fault you ever make, you try to pass it by, but it adds to that dot. Soon the dot takes over your whole heart, and just when you think it’s at its worst and you can no longer feel, it grows some more. And then, it’s you’re whole body, a whole new shade. A gray, a light mist gray, yet still, it’s darker than white. This process repeats, and with each shade you think nothing can get worse, your life can not get darker, and you just can not possibly want to die more. Then, you turn black, all of you, that’s when it ends.
Me? Well, I’m at a light gray, probably repeating the process only twice or so, it takes time. It doesn’t happen over night, but over years. And this, is my story of those grays.

I remember, as far back as I can, and I remember that when you’re a child, you don’t really feel. It’s happy, or it’s sad, and its not in between or thought about, its just that. And you’re stuck, you’re stuck and you don’t know it and you won’t realize that this is just the beginning of what life really is. Of what true emotion and real analyzable thoughts are. You smile as you go higher on the swing, and you and your dad, you make up a name for it, “The Rocket”, and there’s this whole ritual and you go higher and higher and laugh and giggle and you dad just thinks that you’re happy. But then, you fly off that swing. You fall and scrape your knees and hands and you cry, and you’re sad and hurt. But that’s that, then it’s over, you go inside and get some band aids and ice and it’s all better. And the whole incident was nothing, the good canceling out the bad, and there is nothing.
And you grow, and this slowly fades, and every once and awhile a friends or two leaves you or dies and you sit in your room on your bed and stare and get bent out of shape for weeks, not days, or hours, or anything like that. Weeks, and it’s all you think about, but then it just goes away. Why? Because you don’t know yet. You don’t know it’s not normal to sit and cry about the death of a friend for two months. Or that one of your friends moved away and it’s over forever and you’ll never see her again, but you won’t admit it aloud, just in your head.

And it’s third grade."


I want to write down everything that goes on in my head, but then it just stops.
Like right there.

This isnt fair and I'm not a happy person.
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[18 Mar 2005|11:37pm]
I miss her. I need her.
I'm the worst thing ever for her.

I just suck.
1 comment|post comment

[18 Mar 2005|06:56am]
[ mood | death ]


I was really looking foreward to the highschool...
Maybe the new one will be better.
I doubt that.

Jess kim ana alex robbie bryan molly sivan gabby allyssa adrew alec aaron EVERYOEN wont be there.

I just want to die so I dont have to deal with this.
One of my wost fears is not having any friends to talk to or hang out with.
And soon that'll happen cause I know I'm hated.

I will be thin by then, though.
I will.

2 comments|post comment

[17 Mar 2005|10:21pm]
I swear, I'm the more unimportant, looked through person ever, I don't see why people bother.
I really do deserve to die, and don't tell me otherwise.

I've decided that I'm out of katies life because I'm just too horrible and she doesn't need or want my bull shit.

Hand me a gun, with one bullet. Trust me, I have more motive to kill myself than you.
2 comments|post comment

[15 Mar 2005|07:53pm]
I will soon be coming to school dressed like this:

lolCollapse )
3 comments|post comment

[13 Mar 2005|11:10pm]

oh. and.

2 comments|post comment

[11 Mar 2005|09:45pm]
anyone want to lend me a gun?
only one bullet will be used.

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[07 Mar 2005|07:53pm]
The night sky falls deep,
Deep deep down,
And this black just surrounds...
All of my thoughts, memories,

The internal war, held.
Colder, and colder, while lost.
And all these obsessions,
All of this lust, for longing and love,
Staring above.

The imagination is vivid,
The knife...
To the Aorta, then Right Coronory Artery,
No pain because, it's so numb,
Not being the one.

The out of body expierence,
Of watching but not seeing,
Of passing through and touching,
And still begging for longing,

Get off the line,
because We're trying...
To make another call.

I didn't mean to leave
My Aorta in the hands...
Of a heartless other.


It makes like no sense. But it's so perfect, and it's so wonderful and it means almost everything I'm feeling right now.
2 comments|post comment

[05 Mar 2005|07:09pm]
I would just like to say some things to my friends because I'm feeling good.

You are awesome. And I know that you've been feeling down latley, and I wish that I could cheer you up. And I honestly don't know how. You seem so sad, and I hate it. I also know there's nothing I can do about it. But I AM here for you. And I hope you know that. I love you!!!!!1

My flying friend! I love you! You are AWESOME and FUN and WONDERFUL! And you're supportive and you're always there and WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO HANG OUT X99 KAY?!?1; But that's not your fault. at all. its mine. You make me smile. Maybe not physically all the time, but definetly mentally. That's corny but that's okay! Because life is corny and ah. K2J IS A BITCH AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT AND K2J CAN GO DIE. You don't need k2j. You need real friends. Just remember that. I love you.

Wow, where to start. You make me laugh. You are awesome. I just don't know what life would be like without you, and I don't need or WANT to know. You're so awesome, and you say and do the most random things and it's so great. And you're so comfortable with yourself, or that's what you portay on yourself. And that's so awesome and I really look up to you sometimes. you're awesome, you know that, i love you. <3

Yeah. My three best friends. Three people out of many that I would not be able to live without.
I don't know.

I'm watching John Q or whatever. It's to ther part when he thinks about killing him. When he signs his heart over to his sons on his will and has two witnesses sign it. Whenever I watch Suicidal things, shows, movies... i makes me so suicidal. Right now I want to blow my brains out. And right now I don't give a fuck if it hurts anyone. [/7:34]
4 comments|post comment

[04 Mar 2005|10:54pm]
[ mood | failure. ]

Well I usually hate these things to DEATH, but this one is nice. It seems to have PURPOSE. Yeah.

If you read this, even if i don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad -- just so long as it happened. Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you...

love you much all.

now. real entry time.

  • I miss katie, we didn't talk more than 5 minutes a day this week.
  • I know people are sick of my katie shit but I love her so much and just no one can understand that really.
  • I'm using my webdesign talents. blockquote and lists!
  • I really need to get back into webdesign if that's what I'm going to do when I'm older.
  • I've been really manic latley, and that's bad/good.
  • Good because I'm more hyper and fun to be with...
  • Bad because I'm just hiding what I really feel & can't be myself & can't control myself.
  • I feel fat and gross cause i am.
  • I'm pessimistic.
  • Lists are fun and this one is over.
  • I love katie more.

6 comments|post comment

[01 Mar 2005|12:18pm]
© show some heart ©

Self-Injury: You are NOT the only one.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005 is SI Awareness Day.

© show some heart ©

Eating disorders are a disease, not a lifestyle.

February 27-March 5, 2005 is ED Awareness Week.



UHHH.. since i'm late on ED week, I'm starting tomorrow and fasting a week yeah wish me luck.

um yeah i'm NOT going to miss THEATER 2. how boring it was. :\
2 comments|post comment

[24 Feb 2005|09:28pm]
You don't even know how bad I binged tonight. What someone would eat in a day + more went down my throat in about 30 minutes. Gross.

I went 30 hours, man. So starting tomorrow again, fasting.

+ tomorrow is the 30 hour famine. So I HAVE to do it. Yeah.

But, I'm going 5 days. At the least I have to.

I will throw out all the food in our house.

I refuse to go above 20 again. You don't even know.
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[23 Feb 2005|04:03pm]
emo? *sigh*Collapse )

Katie.. its the previous entry that i want you to read. but this one is dedicated to you too and yeah k...
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[23 Feb 2005|02:57am]

I love you. I know I fucked up more than ever, or so I think, last night. I know that I put you through a lot. And, you're right, you didn't do anything to me. I wanted you to be there, yes, I did. I needed you to be there, in fact, but I guess I'll have to learn to get over that.
I'm not giving up on us... I just, I won't. Because, well, I know that we're so perfect when we're good to eachother. I don't know why we put eachother through this. I know I'm sick, and I know I need help, and yes, I do take it seriously, my therapy, I do. And, honestly, I am trying really hard to get better. Because, I will be with you before I die.
I'm so sad. I don't know why really, just everything I guess. People ask me to elaborate on that, but I can't. Just, everything makes me sad. I'm sitting here, it's 2:08AM, and I just... I can't believe how horrible I am to you. You really don't deserve it, you really don't. Plus, I won't ever do it again, because I realize how horrible it was.
I know I had a lot of mood swings tonight, saying I wish I never met you, regretted meeting you, saying you don't love me. But I do know you love me, and I know you always will, with all my heart. I wish that I could explain more but I can't. I'm bawling now, because I miss you so much but I know you just want to sleep so I'll leave you be.
It's not that I depend on you, really, well, I don't consider it depending on you, I just need you. Like when you needed me, and cried on the phone, and I acted like I didn't care, and laughed. I killed myself when I did that, though. I did. I think you want nothing to do with me, but I want everything to do with you. We are so perfect for eachother, and you said that you would never give up on us, but you did. I miss you, oh god, I miss you, you don't even know. I don't know if you missed me as much as I miss you right now, but oh god I can't even breathe and I can hardly see, so this will probably be edited later.
I can't stop thinking about when we met. I'm tracing over every step we took together, every second you held my hand, every second you held me. I want to be with you forever, with no one else around, but I know you don't want that, you want your friends, Abby, Sam, Alison, etc, I respect that, I don't blame you either. I get sick of myself, you're not the only one, trust me.
I can't get over how safe I felt with your arms around me, how comfortable I was, and I hate people touching me, and you know that. I just, I love you so fucking much that there is no way to explain. No way to even begin to explain, you mean so fucking much to me. Oh god, so fucking much.
Right now, I just want to fly down there and just hold you while you sleep, and leave before you wake up so that you don't kill me. And while you're at school, I'd go back to Port Orleans and sit where we sad and feed the duckies and pull the beaks of the ugly birds that were still somehow beautiful, probably because you were there.
I know, I'm lame, corny and just plain out stupid and dumb. I'm sorry, you used to love it though. You used to be corny with me, I loved it, it may not have seemed like I did, but oh god I did. I loved everything about you, except the fact that you weren't comfortable with yourself, you cut yourself and stuff, but that didn't make me love you any less. I remember... holding your hand on the bus, taking the picture, my arm being all scarred but I didn't care because it was just.. your hand... in mine... and it was so fucking great. It was so god damned great. You. Are. So. God. Damned. Great.
I want to write a book about how great you are. I do, I want to write a story, a novel, about two girls, young, 14, in love and met on the internet, palace to be exact, and they talked for 2 years before they met and oh my god, then I would turn it into a movie. And you know what? It would be the best god damned movie out there, and of course it would be a X rated movie because of the sex scenes. I would even have the rubbing of mhm k, in MGM recreated. Of course, none of that would ever be as good as the real thing.
Oh.. I never thought that I would be one to be in love. But I always knew that you were the one. The most perfect beautiful person ever. Please, never believe me if I ever call you ugly or fat. Because you aren't at all, and its the biggest lie I ever told, besides if i said I hated you or wanted you to die or didn't love you, those are probably bigger. Oh, i don't even know. I hope that you read this letter. I might call you and leave it in your voicemail, but I'm scared you're not asleep yet and you'll just get more mad at me. I want you to get sleep tonight, I wish I could call your school and cancel tomorrow for you so that you could sleep all day. Or go out with your friends if you wanted to.
I want to run away with you, I'm not scared anymore. I wouldn't even care if you shoved the most fattening food down my face, because I would still love you just the same, and I know that it would make you happy to see me eat. Oh, fuck, I wouldn't care if my dad missed me, or my dog, bird, brother, mom (yeah right). I just, I just want to be with you, lay in the middle of a feild and hold your hand, and stare at the beautiful sky and cry becuause I would be so god damned happy. You don't even know, oh god.
You know, I really will do anything for you. I really will, after tonight, after all you put up with me, you really deserve anything that you want. If you want me dead, then fine, I'm dead. If you want me out of your life, then I'm out of your life. If you wanted to go out with me, then I'd go out with you, but I know thats the last thing you want right now, or I think so anyway.
I'm thinking about going down there, Florida, in the summer. Alone if I can, if not, with my dad. And I thought maybe we could stay in apopka if there are like motels or hotels or something, and then you could get a ride from someone over there and spend the night and tell your mom/dad you were at Sams or something, but that would only be if you wanted to. Oh, that would be the best, you don't even know.
Or, maybe you could convince your mom to let me stay with you for awhile. A day....... a week? Hah, yeah, I wish. Thats why I wish I could re-do everything with your mom. I feel so bad for making her hate me because I made everything 10x harder with us. Not that there is an us... I just, in my frame of thought right now, I would hope there would be an us if I went down there.
I want to make up for everything I have ever done wrong, so I'm only going to try to do things right from now on. I refuse to have a bad day with you. We are going to only have our good days from now on. With occasional fights because thats normal, people fight. Friends fight, girlfriends fight, boyfriends fight, we fight. I don't think according to you we fall into any of those categories, except the people one, maybe. *sighs*
I want to write to you all night... I think I'm going to. Because I have a lot to say, and I never know how to say it, so maybe now is the time to get it all out.
Remeber how I used to lie a lot, well I really don't know why. I guess I wanted to be another person, I hated myself that much. I still do want to be a different person. I want to be a better person, though. A happy person, so that you can be proud of me for once, because then maybe I'll be doing something right.
I wish that I always did everything right, maybe then I'd still be your everything. God, it killed me so fucking much when you said I wasn't anymore. It killed me so fucking bad. I think that's what made me crack, and cling to you more. I think I felt... feel, so unwanted and just broken that I'm desperate for you to just... love me, and tell me I'm you're everything.
I never thought it was possible to be in love at fourteen, or twelve, or thirteen, but god damn, you proved me wrong each time. And it amazed me, really. It really did because I never thought that anyone would ever love me. And remember when you said that no one will ever love me as much as you do... I hope that's still true, because that meant a lot to me. Not as much as when you said I meant everything to you... *sighs*, but holy shit it meant so much. I just, I wish i could explain but i can' tbecause it's just SO UNEXPLAINABLE. It's amazing, it is.
You, you're amazing. Your voice makes me smile even when I'm bawling as hard as possible. Your voice can also make me cringe, but that's okay because I know I deserve it. I'm such a horrible bitch to you. I'm self centered, but I wish you knew that I don't only care about myself because that's not it at all. It really isn't. Tonight, well, tonight I don't know what went wrong with me. I just, I broke down completely, and I just, I didn't even know. I just, I don't remember some of the things I said, like I blacked out. I was thinking one thing and saying the other. From suicide to leaving your life to loving you and missing you and wanting to spend forever with you and adopt kids, I don't even know what I said anymore. Oh... I wish I was okay.
But, more importantly, I wish that you were okay, because you mean more to me than anything. I would rather be fucked up for the rest of my god damned life and see you happy, than you never being happy. And, if I have to get out of your life for you to be happy, fine. It's fine, really. I know... I stress you out so much. Because, I just, I'm so used to you just being there whenever I need you to be, but now you're social, you have friends and hang out with them, not that you didn't before, but before, you used to ignore them and talk to me and I felt all super duper awesome-like. But now I just feel like nothing, but that's okay because I know you feel like I'm suffocating you. And I'll stop, because killing you is the last thing I need to do.
Tonight, when I heard you cry, I just, I wanted to hold you, and rock with you, and just sing There Is to you, repeatedly all night until you were better, but then I got scared that you would yell at me, but I would deserve that too... I deserve a lot of the stuff you say/do to me, so it's okay, in the end it's okay.
You mean everything to me, and I wish there was a way to prove that. So, if you think of one, please, just PLEASE tell me, please. *sighs* Because I would go to the end of the world to prove it to you. I would do anything, because after all you are my everything. You always will be. And I want to shoot myself for thinking that being thin was more important than you. Because I've realized that you will love me no matter what I look like, or thats what I hope, anyway. I hope so bad, because if that's not the case... yeah.
I'm trying really hard to make things better, for me, for you, for us.. or a future us... or whatever. I know we're perfect for eachother. Every heart beat tells me so, every tear I cry, every scar that was because of a mistake I made, every gift you sent me, every memory, every breath I take. It's all for you... my life, I want to devote myself to you. But I'm scared you would just call me a psycho or something...
I'm crazy, yes, for you. I'm crazy for you. Here I come with my lameness again. *sighs* You used to think it was cute, but, now I'm just not sure. I just don't know anymore...
I love you. That's how I'm going to end this letter, I've been writing for almost an hour now, it's 3:01.
I love you so fucking much. I love you more. I real you more. I heart you more. I heartfelt you more. I <3 you more. I E> you more. I <4-1 you more. I just. More. MOREMOREMORE. I'd kiss your cheek but you might get mad. I love you. I hope you're sleeping okay.. and not having a nightmare. Goodnight, or good morning, have a nice day. I love you SO FUCKING MUCH...


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[23 Feb 2005|01:29am]
i'm nothing. im worthless shit. i don't do anything right at fucking all. i don't deserve to live, and i don't deserve to die because death is too fucking great. so what the fuck do i do. i live and fucking suffer. i want to run away and live in the woods until i die and someday someone will find me and ill be nothing but bones and then theyll run away screaming because im a fucking worthless pile of bones and everyone fucking hates me.

i am nothing to her. i dont even exist. she ignores me. she ignores my calls. she doesnt believe i have shitty days. she doesnt believe i've changed.
she doesnt eblieve i try.
she doesnt believe i love her.
i feel so uncared about.
no matter what anyone says.
because no one shows it.
today was horrible.
it was the worst day of my life.
and i shold stop fucking bitching
because i fucking deserved it.
like i deserve to be bawling myself to
fucking sleep every god damned
night and like how i deserve to starve
because im a fat piece of lard shit
and im ugly and no one likes me
and i should just fucking die because i'm me
and i just give the fuck up because
i suck at life
and everything else
so fuck fuck fuck
ill never be truly loved.
never i j ust want to die.
and no one cares.
i b eat the shit out of myself for 2 hours today
my arms are all bruised and my legs and my head
i hit my head on a wall for 40 minutes
and no one in my family cared
and of course it was loud
i blasted music until katie came home
to only find out she didnt leave me a message
and then left
so i got pissed because today just fucking
sucked and i havent been taking
my god damned medicataion
because it makes me gain weight
because fucking medication sucks
so i refuse to fucking take it
because i just dont care about it
and its not like it even works
maybe it does dont know
dont feel any different.
i have wanted to die
every single day of my entire
life since somewhere at the end of
fucking third grade
because i knew that frrom that
fucking point on
nothing would work out
and look im right
nothing works out.
i have nothing.
i have no one.
no one cares.
no one will ever be there again.
i have to live off myself
and fucking ana
and starvation
and toilets and
i hate life.
im nothing.
im nothing at all.
just another useless face in the
fucking huge crowd..
i'm see through.
horrible still


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[21 Feb 2005|02:22pm]
[ mood | dead ]

Lets review the lies from someone, a painfully obvious someone, that are killing me right now.
> Lie
- Why it's a lie

> "You're the most beautiful person, ever."
> "No one could ever be prettier."
- "Abby is prettier than you."

> "You will always be my everything, no matter what."
- "No, you aren't everything to me."

> "Always and forever, megan, always and forever."
- *make out with Abby twice and some Jacob kid*

> "I'll always be there for you, no matter what."
- "I'm too busy talking to Abby, talk to you later."
- "I'm busy, bye."
- "I just can't be there."
- "I want to be there, but I can't."
- Many more.

> "I will always love you."
- But you go make out with other people
- But you'll never be there for me
- But you'll listen to me bawl on the phone, and just hang up.
- But everyone and everything such as Abby and Homework is more important. You even said it.
- But you call me a bitch when you're the one being a bitch and you know it.
- But you take advatage of me and know I'll come back no matter what.
- But you walk all over me and hurt me and know that I'll still be here in the end.
- Many more.

> "I promise on everything I will never cut again."
- You cut again.
- You didn't try to stop again.
- You just gave up and went against it completely.

> "I love you."
- Self explanatory.

There are more but I'm bawling too hard and can hardly see.

Coping skill to stop cutting.Collapse )

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[17 Feb 2005|09:18pm]
If I was thin and pretty people would like me.

If I was thin and pretty katie wouldn't hate me.

If I was thin and pretty I'd still be her everything.

If I was thin and pretty Katie wouldn't have made out with Jacob.

If I was thin and pretty I could date whoever and get over Katie like she wants me to.

If I was thin and pretty I would still love katie as much as I do now. Maybe more.
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[10 Feb 2005|11:06pm]
I need to lose weight.
I need to lose a lot of weight.
Then I can wear pretty clothes and be happy.
Everything would be better if I lost weight.

The Center of Winter
is the best book
read it.

k. bye.
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